LBC: The Nick Abbot Habit

00:02 This is a global production. Oh, it's a good one for you this time. In these clips, there was a bash that wasn't a bash. We were talking about why young people don't vote much and wondered why some people imagine they're born to rule. 00:15 You know her tweets. Somebody needs to be keeping a list of the MPs burning their integrity for Johnson and two more years in their seat. Many know that they are rank average and wouldn't be on the gravy train without the super corruptors media backing. 00:30 Completely correct in every respect. We need to be taking notes. 00:35 All of his enablers, they should not be allowed to get away with it. Do not forget who stood up for this. 00:46 And make your decision in person in the voting booth next time around. No excuses at all. 00:57 And I bet we get the same turnout next time around as we did last time. I bet there's not a single solitary difference in the demographic make-up of the voters of this country. Everybody, 100% of those over the age of 60 will go and vote, and they'll all vote Conservative, apart from one person who is at this moment calling me up to yell at me, I'm over 65 and I voted Labour my whole life. 01:21 There's always one. 01:25 Every other person over the age of 60 voted Conservative last time and the time before, and they will next time and the time after, regardless of what that decision has done to their lives. 01:38 What's weird, what's really truly weird, and it blows my mind, is that poor people are more likely to vote Conservative than rich people. 01:50 That's actually true. 01:52 If you do the ABC1C2DE, C2DE, the poorer end of the scale, are more likely to vote Conservative than the ABC1s, the so-called, you know, the richer end, those well-off, which just blows my mind. 02:11 I mean, talk about voting for your own demise. 02:19 in what parallel universe does that make sense it's just staggering to me explain it to me then I double dare you I mean how has something to the order of two thirds of the time since the second world war the conservatives have been in power and how's that worked out for you poor people so far fabulous are you are you still poor and you still keep doing the same thing over and over again because that'll work You know, if I didn't have this show, I'd be yelling all of this probably either at the television or out the window. 03:01 I'd be haranguing the foxes in the garden. Oi, come over here and listen to this. 03:07 Stop having hot fox relations with each other. Disgusting. And pay attention. 03:15 God, they don't make a racket, don't they? It doesn't sound like they're enjoying themselves. 03:22 Maybe they should do something else. 03:24 0345 6060 973. Maybe they're doing it wrong. 03:30 Well, see, now there's a thought. 03:32 Stupid foxes. You're doing it all wrong. 03:37 0345 6060 973. It's an educational show, this, isn't it? No. Friday, Saturday, Sunday night at 10. Nick Abbott, LBC. 03:47 Nick Abbott on LBC. Hi, honey. How are you? I'm super. Thanks for asking. 03:54 Alan texts, The Met is pure dead cat bouncing to save big dog and is despicable. 04:02 Yeah, well, I don't know if I've got the strength to go through that. I've got detailed files. 04:14 I might talk about cartoons after the news. 04:17 There's another thing for people to get very, very angry about. What? Yeah, apparently. Cartoons are now making people angry, if you can believe that. 04:27 That's our latest distraction. Getting angry about cartoons. 04:32 Sheffield. Hello, Paul. 04:35 Evening, Nick. Thanks for taking my call. Paul. It's something that may have... I'm not sure if it's flown under the radar, but, you know, in respect to the fact that people have now got four weeks to choose a job in their chosen profession, if not, they'll have to find something else. And what I've found, I've been listening to LBC, a lot of your presenters are saying, well, then they can go in to be a carer. 05:01 And I'm thinking... 05:03 So what does that mean? Does that mean that a road worker can't get a job, a crane driver can't get a job, that you can go in and look after old people? 05:14 And I think I've been a nurse for 30 years. I've worked with nurse assistants, nurse auxiliaries, carers. 05:21 And I think it's not something you can just go into. 05:25 No, I'd imagine you'd have to be the right kind of person. I mean, I, for instance, would be the wrong kind of person. 05:33 Yeah. That's indisputable. I don't think you would be me, to be honest with you, because I listen to you a lot. 05:42 I know, despite being left-wing Nick, some people call you. 05:48 Yeah, but I'm not, though. I'm left-wing on some issues and right-wing on others and right down the middle on, you know, quite a lot. 05:56 Yeah, but my point is, why do we treat our elderly with such disdain? Well, you want to know the answer to that? 06:05 LAUGHTER 06:07 Well, I've been a nurse for 30 years, but you may surprise me, Nick. 06:10 It's because we can't conceive of ever being old ourselves, just like death. We can't conceive, like that old Damien Hirst title for the shark thing, the impossibility of death as a concept in the mind of the living, something like that. 06:29 Well, I'd like to add something there, if I may, Nick. Yes. 06:33 The elderly have no value. 06:36 They are not economically active, if that's what you mean. 06:39 That's right, because they've built the schools, the motorways, the hospitals, the libraries, all our networks that we enjoy today through their taxes and their hard work. 06:52 But now we don't value them. 06:56 To me... Well, when you say we, I'm not sure that that's true of the population in general, but it's certainly true of the people that are actually running the country. That's true now, and it's always been true. Otherwise, we would treat our citizens better. 07:12 With all due spanking, I'd like to disagree with you, because if I'd have said to you, when this four-week conundrum came out, I'd say to you, well, if you can't get a job working as a radio presenter or a crane driver or a road worker, I'd like you to go and work in special care baby unit or A&E or intensive care. 07:37 You'd get laughed out, wouldn't you? But what they're saying is, no, you can go and look after the elderly. Because that's acceptable. 07:45 Right. Well, I go back to my point initially. It's because people who are young cannot conceive of ever being in that position. They just don't think that they are going to be one of those people that get old. 07:58 Right. 08:00 Damn right, Nick, because I will tell you the same thing about one of the things, the bee in your bonnet, is that people walked up and down my road with Corbynista T-shirts on this and other, and I said, oh, did you vote for... No, I couldn't be bothered, because James was playing it somewhere. That's one for the elderly. But they can't be bothered. 08:23 James is not a band for the elderly. I think you're talking about the Rolling Stones. Well, I can 08:29 Yes. And Supertramp and Led Zeppelin. Exactly. 08:34 All of the good stuff. Precisely. All right. Thanks a lot, Paul. We appreciate it. 08:39 Thank you. 08:41 Alice says, I'm confused. 08:43 What's the difference between an incursion and an invasion? Apparently one or the other of them is a technical term for something or other. The Foreign Secretary has made that very clear. 08:52 What the brains trust. 08:55 No, I think it was Uncle Joe Biden, one of his many gaffes. He said that if it was an incursion, then that would be OK. If Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' Putin incurred into Ukraine, then that's one thing. 09:11 But if it's an invasion, then that's right out. 09:14 Heavy, heavy sanctions. 09:17 And at the prospect of that, Vladimir Putin said... 09:24 He isn't interested in that. 09:27 I would imagine that he is the richest person in the world. 09:33 I mean, could anybody say otherwise? 09:38 I'd be very surprised if Rutten Tootten was not the richest person in the world. 09:44 I can't remember the exact statistic, but it's something like that house that he's built for himself that, of course, he doesn't own. It's owned by, I don't know, his dog walker's secretary or something like that. But only Rutten is allowed to go inside, strangely. I think it's something like ten times the size of Buckingham Palace. What? I think that's about right. 10:13 His holiday home is ten times the size of Buckingham Palace. Something like that. 10:19 I mean, that's ridiculous. 10:22 Who needs that much space? 10:26 Trev says Putin should do Putin. I love the way the Americans say Putin. 10:32 Putin, Root and Tootin, should do a Johnson. He should invade the Ukraine and then deny it. 10:39 Mr Speaker. 10:42 I can't... That drives me nuts as well. 10:47 I'm very, very disappointed with the current Mr Speaker. Hands in the air who agrees. 10:52 Now hands up who's completely satisfied. 10:55 Overwhelming. 10:57 Very disappointed. Very disappointed. 11:02 Unless my eyes deceive me, it seems to be a bit of a pushover compared to the previous incarnation. Let's get the old bloke back. 11:11 Nathan says, I wish people would stop saying up and down the country. Johnson started it and now even Keir Starmer is saying it. It drives me nuts, says Nathan. 11:20 What, up and down the country? 11:23 I've been up and down this country and people up and down the country are sick and tired of people saying up and down the country. 11:31 I think you'll find that that is a fact. 11:35 Everything is going extremely well. 11:37 You bet your life it is. 11:40 Never been better. 11:43 Isn't life just marvellous? 11:48 Have you had any cake yet? No. Partygate confusion deepened after Boris Johnson told allies that there was no cake. 11:56 at his birthday bash at number 10, despite ministers previously saying that there had in fact been cake. 12:03 Cakegate. 12:06 Northern Ireland Minister Connor Burns was previously ridiculed for claiming that the PM had been ambushed with a cake at a surprise birthday celebration in the Cabinet Room on June 19, 2020. 12:17 At the time, all social events indoors were banned against the law. 12:23 Other cabinet members also acknowledged cake was present at the event, while Downing Street did not dispute the allegations. Well, maybe cake is like cover word for, you know... 12:33 Going mental! 12:37 I want about, like, three or four tabs of cake a day now, man. But I can handle it. I'm just feeling, like, really tired at the moment, that's all. 12:48 Northern Ireland Minister Connor Burns has told a podcast by the Telegraph. Do they do podcasts? That's very new and groovy of them. 12:57 He says, I'm told under some authority, indeed from him, that there actually was not a cake. 13:04 And it's only when the Prime Minister said that something did not happen, then you can be sure it did. 13:12 The waters have been further muddied by the emergence of a news report from the day after the gathering describing how Bodger Johnson and colleagues tucked into cake. 13:23 Number 10 said they could not comment on whether or not... You think that this next line is a joke, but they actually said this. 13:36 Number 10 said that they could not comment on whether or not there was cake... 13:42 until Sue Gray's long-awaited report is published. I mean, OK, now they really are laughing at us. 13:55 They couldn't comment on whether or not there was a cake until Sue Gray's report is published? Why? 14:03 Was it some sort of top-secret cake? 14:07 They can't reveal the presence of cake for security reasons. 14:12 Can they tell us whether or not the cake was chocolate or vanilla? No. 14:17 Can they tell us if it had cream on top? 14:22 An article from the Times from June the 20th, that is the day after Cakegate, June the 20th, 2020. 14:32 This article from the Times has resurfaced where it was reported that the group, quotes, tucked into a Union Jack cake at the gathering. 14:42 At the time, the newspaper said Bodger Johnson celebrated his 56th birthday yesterday with a small gathering in the Cabinet Room. 14:49 Fishy Sunak, the Chancellor, and a group of aides sang him Happy Birthday before they tucked into a Union Jack cake. And we will eat cake in the office and we will take cake into the garden and we will never surrender to the rules and regulations that we impose on everyone else because Bodger is special and rules don't apply to his imperial Bodgeness. 15:13 Still, the cake had a Union Jack on it, so they must be patriotic. 15:19 What a way to run a country, eh? Dreadful. 15:22 Let's have... Who's been waiting the longest? Be totally fair about this. Woodford. Hello, Tony. 15:28 Hello, Nick. 15:29 Tony. 15:30 Good evening. It's all a load of rhubarb, the lot of it. 15:32 Is it? 15:34 Oh, definitely. Nick, why are people so animated and so angry about this? I mean, you know... You can't be serious. 15:43 No, I'm being serious, because... Why are they angry and animated? 15:46 Yeah, because... Where have you been these last two years, Tony? 15:49 No, I've been looking and observing what's going on. Oh, yes. Come on, you've got to admire Johnson, the bare-faced cheek of the man. you know, to keep lying and manipulating everybody. Fiddling about. It's a wonderful thing to see in action. 16:06 He is a marvel, yeah. Somebody should put him behind bars. 16:10 He's a magician, isn't he? He's put everyone into a state of mass hypnosis. 16:15 Yeah. I think if you say Sue Gray enough times, people, their eyes will just glaze over and they'll, at the clap of your hands, they'll walk around like a chicken. Ah! 16:29 And you know another thing, Nick, why doesn't the Tory party, the backbenchers, have guts and stand up to this person? 16:39 What is their problem? Their problem is that they will do anything in order to acquire and then hold on to power. Anything. All other considerations are secondary. 16:53 Which is why they succeed. That's why they succeed over and over again. The Labour Party, meanwhile, form a circular shooting squad and take each other out on a competition about purity. 17:04 Well, Nick, if you rewind the clock, what they were saying about Corbyn, I mean, Corbyn is the same compared to Johnson. 17:12 Yeah, I would say so. 17:14 You know, it beggars belief that the people are just kind of getting so angry and upset. What can we do about it, Nick? We can't do nothing about it. 17:22 Yes, we can, Tony. We can show up in person and vote next time we're allowed, assuming there is a next time. 17:30 Yeah, but you said it yourself. There'll be people queuing up despite what happens in their life. Yeah. 17:36 Keep in mind, Tony, the people that put Boris Johnson in power are a minority of the people in this country. It is not a majority. A screwed-up system has given him a majority of the seats in Parliament, but he does not have the support of the majority of the people in this country. 17:54 Nick, I heard a great joke. 17:57 We don't do jokes. We don't do jokes, Tony. Tell us the set-up first. 18:02 It's not disgusting. 18:05 It's not, you know, singling anyone out or homophobic or anything in any way, shape or form. 18:13 Is it funny? 18:14 I think it's funny. It just reminds me of Johnson. 18:18 Okay, then. 18:19 Okay, well, you've got the push button. You know, there's no swearing. With trepidation. There's nothing terrible, right. Okay, then. 18:28 And he goes in and he says, Doctor, I've got a hereditary condition. And the doctor said, what is it? He said, I've got diarrhoea. And the doctor said, that's not a hereditary condition. And the guy said, well, it's in me jeans. 18:46 What on earth has that got to do with Boris Johnson? 18:49 We don't wish to know. Thanks a lot, Tony. We don't do jokes for a very good reason. 18:57 Chris Tex, don't forget this government want to ban protest with that police crime bill. Wake up, people, your freedoms are being eroded. Yes, sheeple. 19:06 Wake up, it's later than you think. 19:08 And while we're all concentrating on was there or was there not a cake and did they or did they not have a birthday party and what is the definition of party and if I've got a party hat on and a party glass of champagne and people are singing let's have a party, is it actually a party? 19:25 While all that's going on, they're taking away our freedoms. 19:30 Get Mel Gibson on the phone. He'll explain it to us. 19:38 He's busy being drunk and abusive, you say. Well, that doesn't sound like Mel Gibson. You must be thinking of somebody else. Cheltenham. Hello, Sam. 19:48 Hi. 19:49 Sam. 19:49 I just wanted to tell you about... my kind of memories of the Johnsons and Camerons of this world. I was at Oxford in the 80s, and because of one particular friend of mine, I spent time around those people. 20:07 They were in the Bullingdon. There was also the Assassins. Their thing, both of those, by the way, were all about throwing up in restaurants and wrecking restaurants and then getting their checkbooks out. 20:18 There was also the Piers Gavston Club or Society, which was... a kind of we are decadent thing, a lot of cloak. And some of the people in that scene are now absolute household name famous people. But what I remember about what's important about that, I think, is that the mentality behind all that, which was that anything to do with empathy or compassion or any kind of social conscience, the response would be, don't be so boring. 20:50 And the fact that that mindset, those values, that world is now in government. And I remember it so well. It was disgusting then. But I thought, well, this is a marginal thing. These people are ridiculous. But we now have one as Prime Minister. 21:07 It's psychopathic. The lack of empathy is what will propel you to the top. 21:14 But I wish people would understand the contempt... 21:20 that, I mean, it's almost, it sounds, it doesn't, I feel I'm speaking into a kind of void, but absolute contempt that those people have. 21:31 I tell you what contempt they have. They don't, they're not even attempting to hide it anymore. 21:37 Well, why would they? Don't be so boring. 21:40 Really. 21:42 Come on. 21:44 It's a kind of parallel morality. I There was a kind of libertine thing. Some of these people actually died of Class A drug addiction, and that kind of overlapped with it because it was amoral. 21:58 mindset. 22:00 The mindset is that they are a superior strata of society. They were born to lead. 22:08 The way in which they look down upon us, we must look like ants to them. 22:15 Why can't people see that? Why can't Because we buy into it. 22:21 It's the class system which this country is still riven with. We like to think that we're more modern than that, but we just aren't. 22:26 You really believe that we are conditioned to tug our forelock? Absolutely. Just that? 22:31 Yes. 22:32 You can see it in people. When somebody speaks with a posh accent, we immediately imbue them with some intelligence which might not necessarily be there. 22:42 You're better born than I am. I don't know anything. Most right-thinking type people I've ever known would take one look at... 22:48 people i'm talking about and see them immediately as arrogant ruthless callous essentially amoral you know monsters we still it's in it's ingrained in in our psyche that we uh that we think of them as they think of themselves as born to lead superior well 23:10 I kind of want you to be wrong, but I kind of know you're right. Anyway, thanks for taking my call. 23:15 OK, thanks for making your call. Appreciate it. Thank you. 0345 6060 973. Jan texts, oh Nick, you speak for me because I am speechless. 23:28 Jan, I want you to go to your window, open your window, throw that window open and yell out, I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. 23:42 Well, maybe not now because it's a bit late and you don't want to upset the neighbours. But, you know, pencil it in your diary for tomorrow, Jan. Well, I don't know, maybe Saturdays. You don't want to upset people. Not on the weekend. First thing Monday morning. Well, not first thing Monday morning. After lunch. Some point after lunch on a Monday... 23:59 Of your choosing. I want you to think strongly about doing that, Jan. 24:04 It's cathartic, this show. God, I've been wound up all week long. And like I said before, if I didn't have this show, I'd be yelling at the television. 24:14 It wouldn't really matter what programme it was on. I'd put friends on and I'd be screaming at them. 24:20 Could I be any more annoyed? 24:23 Would you mind telling me what this is all about? Yes, it's about the destruction of this once fine nation. Thanks for asking. 24:29 Tom texts, I think people are seriously wounded. They can try their tricks and delays, but this much pain does not easily subside. 24:38 Oh, don't worry about it, Tom. Something newer in the news will come along and will distract us, like what Minnie Mouse is wearing this year. Have you seen that? 24:51 I might get to that in a minute. 24:54 Archie Texts. Sadly, we lost the wonderful Barry Cryer this week. That has created a vacancy for a speechwriter and policy strategist for Cressida Dick. Would you consider applying? Absolutely. 25:09 Cressida Dick and her comedy carry-on act with her amusing epaulets, which seem like they're trying to fashion an escape to me, like they're trying to escape her shirt, her epaulets. 25:24 Those epaulets need correcting. 25:27 Dagenham. Hello, Jackson. 25:29 Hello, Nick. How are you? Good, thanks. 25:32 Yeah, it seems to me that the name Sue Ray is repeated at almost the same frequency as the name Dido Hardy was at the beginning of this whole COVID-19 thing. Dido Harding. Yes. 25:52 And it seems to me that this report that Sue Gray is going to bring out may be just as effective as Dido Harding was. 26:04 Harding. Harding. Harding. Harding. 26:09 It's hard to believe this whiff of collusion... 26:15 possible corruption. I think to myself, are we in London, England, or Lagos, Nigeria? 26:23 Yeah, or Azerbaijan, or somewhere like that. 26:26 Yeah, yeah, it's unbelievable. 26:28 It is, yeah. In two short years, this Prime Minister has turned this country into... Well, I just don't recognise it anymore. I really don't. It's like a tin-pock dictatorship. 26:39 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing I think that might keep a little bit of in-depth honesty into her report... 26:52 Retain her sanity, yes. 26:54 Yes, is... 26:56 Fortunately, I have to say his name, Dominic Cumming, because she interviewed him, didn't she? 27:00 Yes. 27:01 So the information he gave her might be the only thing that gives that report a little bit of credibility and thoroughness. 27:12 We're not going to see it in any way, shape or form. We might see the front page and we might see the end on the back, but what's in the middle is going to be right out. We won't be able to be seeing any of that. And Boris Johnson, who previously said, I will, of course, publish the report in full. You only knew that he wasn't going to do that when he said that he would. At the moment that he said he would publish it in full, you knew for sure that he absolutely will not publish it in full. 27:41 Well, it just sounds like, it looks like, it smells like. 27:46 Well, if it looks and smells and feels, then it almost certainly is. If it looks like that, and it smells like that, and it feels like that, it probably is that. 27:54 Alright, thanks a lot, Jackson. 27:57 Yeah, Bodger is going to say, well, I'd love to publish the report that I've just received from Sue Gray. 28:04 Unfortunately, the Met Police are telling me what I told them to tell me, which was not to publish it. 28:12 There's absolutely nothing I can do about it because the Met Police told me that I can't publish it, which is what I told them to tell me. 28:22 It's completely out of my hands. 28:25 And then he'll laugh over and over again and say, I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. 28:31 I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. I followed the ministerial guidance at all times. 28:37 And each time he repeats it, it'll get funnier and funnier. And he'll start smirking and smirking. And he'll be laughing so hard his face will fall off. 28:49 And then we'll see the evil shape-shifting lizard that lives inside. 28:59 That's the only explanation I can find. Boris Johnson is actually a shape-shifting lizard from space. 29:05 Hands up who agrees. 29:10 Paul says, I think you're right about this government wearing the public down so we accept their new normal, though that is a conspiracy coming true. 29:19 That's the plan, I'm sure of it. And it's working, absolutely. 29:26 I mean, the amount of newspaper articles that I've read, I've tried to avert my gaze from, that say, this is not what the public want anymore. What the public want is for our vaccine rollout, the success of the vaccine rollout, to be reconfirmed. We want the government to be getting along with more important things, like... 29:47 dressing up in other people's work clothes for a photo opportunity. You know, the important stuff Bodger obsesses about. 29:56 Saying that a lot. 30:01 Sending smug out to, you know, do his smug routine. 30:07 Like that. 30:09 Nick texts, my dad used to put horse manure on his rhubarb. 30:15 I prefer custard myself. 30:18 These are the jokes, folks. 30:22 The old ones are the best ones. 30:25 My dad used to put horse manure on his rhubarb. I prefer custard myself. 30:32 Oh, I don't know, though. 30:34 I love the taste of horse manure in the morning. 30:39 Tastes like victory. 30:43 I think I'm becoming hysterical. 30:46 Send for a doctor. Oh, that's right. You can't see one. 30:50 Because, you know, the NHS is safe in their hands. 30:56 They just ignore you now. 31:01 Like my doctor, you can't call them up and you can't go and see them. 31:07 You can't go in person and you can't call them up. You must fill out a form. And you can only fill out, I know I've said this already, but you can only fill out a form between 8am and 10am. What? Outside those hours, the form does not exist. 31:23 So you can't call them and you can't go and see them, but you have to fill out a form to see whether they approve of you going to see them. 31:31 but you can only fill our form out for two hours a day in the morning. 31:35 And that's not at the weekend, of course. It's during the week. 31:42 And then you fill out the form and you press send and I assume it just disappears. It's like an automatic delete. 31:50 So you think they've got the message, but there is no message. In fact, I don't believe a doctor even exists there. 31:59 It's just a nice lady behind this plastic shield. 32:08 And whatever it is you ask, they just completely ignore you. You don't get a response. They say, well, we will respond within 72 hours. 72 working hours. How long is that? Like a week? 32:22 Two weeks? How long? 32:25 I mean, by the time they get back to me, I'll either be cured or dead. 32:31 But you know me, I never complain. Whinging and whining and moaning. Belsize Park. Hello, Judy. Hello. 32:37 Judy, Judy, Judy. This report thing. 32:42 Yes. 32:43 Well, you know we won't hear it because it will be deemed to be a security risk. 32:47 Yes, security risk. 32:49 And if it's a security risk, we can't know about it. But that's not my phone. 32:53 It's for the benefit of the public not to know what the public wants to know. 32:57 Yes, because it would be a breach of security and therefore we can't go down that route. 33:01 Exactly. 33:03 You were berating young people not voting. 33:07 And if I owe you an apology, then I apologise. But I'm sure last week you said that you don't vote... Because it doesn't make any difference where you live. 33:18 No, no, no, no, no, no. Then I apologise. 33:21 No, no, no, no, no, no. 33:23 I always vote. Always. Always, always, always, always, always vote. 33:27 I profusely apologise, but I was sure you said you didn't vote because it wouldn't make a heap of difference where you live in. 33:34 No, I was probably imitating a young person and saying that. That was their excuse, not mine. I do not need an excuse because I always vote. Always. 33:45 Now, I listened very carefully to you, but you said that where you live, it would never, never, never alter the vote. 33:53 That's completely incorrect in every respect. 33:55 Then I absolutely apologise that I'm wasting all your time and somebody else could have had this slot on your very, very popular programme. 34:04 Judy, it's been a little moment of peace and happiness, so I appreciate it. 34:11 OK. 34:12 No, thank you. 34:14 Thank you. 34:15 Cheers, my dear. 0345 6060 973. That's my favourite call so far. 34:22 Completely incorrect in every respect. 34:25 Always vote. 34:28 Now, I may occasionally get my vote wrong. I may vote for the wrong party. 34:35 But that doesn't mean to say that I shouldn't have gone out and voted in the first place. 34:43 Sometimes I vote for the Greenies. And sometimes I vote for the Lib Demers. And sometimes I vote for Labour, which is, you know, probably like an imprisonable offence these days. Or if not now, then it certainly will be. 35:01 When that exciting new police and crimes bill comes through. Voting Labour will be a punishable offence. Priti Patel will come around and visit you personally. 35:11 Oh, three, four, five. You need to be corrected. 35:17 Listen to him. 35:19 He knows everything. 35:20 Jimmy texts, the Prime Minister has made it absolutely clear. 35:26 Have you also noticed, that's the phrase that just keeps coming up over and over and over again, all of these enablers keep coming out and talking to the press, by which I mean talking to us, through the press, and saying that the Prime Minister has made it absolutely clear that, and like I said before, you know that what follows is a lie. 35:49 The Prime Minister has made it absolutely clear that black is white. 35:56 What the Prime Minister has made absolutely clear is neither here nor there. It doesn't mean to say it's true or not. He's made it absolutely clear that he doesn't believe in anything other than his own advancement. 36:06 Has to be the worst Prime Minister of all time. Think of a worse one. There isn't. 36:13 No other Prime Minister has taken this country and just like slammed it into the ground. 36:21 Has made us an international laughing stock. Name another one. 36:27 Anyway, the rest of this is, have you also noticed, says Jimmy, the amount of times they use the word robust? Yes, I have. It's painful. 36:37 He says, if you translate that word to mean suspicious, flaky or knackered, then everything they say suddenly makes sense. 36:43 Robust. Oh, Struth. If I hear one more time a politician saying this or that is robust... 36:53 Well, I won't be responsible for my actions. I'm going to kick a hole through my brand new television. Oh, no. That bloke out of Private Eye. What's his name? The one that looks like Jimmy Somerville. What's his name? Ian Hislop. Ian Hislop is the right answer. 37:11 He and a couple of his private eye scribes were being quizzed by the Committee on Standards. Committee on Standards in Parliament. 37:25 I mean, that's pretty funny in and of itself. 37:28 And they were asking them just the most stupid question. These people wasting their time. 37:35 Our time. Our money. Our time. 37:38 saying, just daft, it's worth looking at. It takes about 20 minutes, and I know that 20 minutes seems like a lot these days, where you want your amusement in small, bite-sized pieces. 37:50 But it is worth looking at it. 37:54 They're so utterly clueless, they just can't conceive of being paid vast amounts by shady organisations and those organisations wanting something in return. 38:07 You know, if a tobacco company or an oil company or a gambling company pays a politician £10,000 or £20,000, they're pretending that the no quid pro quo comes with it, that these organisations don't actually want anything in return. They're just generous with their money. 38:27 They just don't get it. 38:29 They need it explained to them. 38:32 But there's one fellow, I don't know who he is, But I've never seen a more posturing oath in my life. He just droned on and on and on, absolutely loving the limelight. And he said robust more than any other person I've seen on planet Earth. 38:51 He thanked Ian Hislop for his robust answers to the robust questioning. 38:58 And he said, you are robustly answering these in a robust way, and you're doing it robustly. And I thought, if you say it one more time, I'm going to do my nut. 39:10 Just check it out, though. I mean, it is on the World Wide Way. It's probably on an internet near you. Have you seen the internet? Disgusting. There's stuff on there. Awful. Belfast. Hello, Brendan. 39:26 Ah, hello. 39:29 I've been waiting for a while and I'm not complaining or whining or doing anything. No, no. 39:35 No, but I was trying to collect my thoughts while I was waiting and I was actually glad that I was waiting because I don't know in what order to put these words, but would it be okay then? 39:48 I actually know Sue Gray. 39:51 I bought her a drink and... What does she drink? She has... 39:55 I don't know. 39:57 Wait a minute. You bought her a drink, but you don't know what she drinks? 40:01 Yes, that's correct. How can you buy someone a drink and you don't know what they drink? 40:05 Because Sue Gray, four or five years ago, I live in Belfast, and I had a cause to drive down to Dublin. And there's a small town of 26,000 people called Nury, N-E-W-R-Y, right on the border, right? Right on the border. Now, I went into that pub and parked my car and went in, and I noticed the barmaid's hair. 40:40 That was what I noticed. It was like a hair you never saw before in your life. You know, this hair had been looked after. 40:48 Her, her. Her, her, her, her. Yes. Right, okay. 40:54 And she came over. Who's her? Her, her. Sue Gray was the barmaid. Yeah, I very much doubt that. 41:01 No, Nick, listen to me, please. I am listening to you. No, don't doubt it. Sue Gray was the barmaid. Yeah, I very much doubt that. 41:13 No, no. Please listen to me. I'm listening to you. Please. 41:18 Okay. And you can check this. 41:20 Yes. 41:21 She bought a pub in Newry. 41:24 Right. 41:24 Right on the border between the north and the south of Ireland. 41:28 Okay. 41:29 Because her husband didn't know what to do with himself, so she bought him a pub. Bought him a pub. Booze. 41:36 Mm-hmm. 41:37 Yes. Now, please, let me, because it's difficult for me to even say this, because I was waiting 15 minutes or whatever it was, and I said, how am I going to explain this? Because he cut me off and said I'm insane. 41:50 I am reliably informed by my glamorous assistant that she did, in fact, run a pub in Northern Ireland. 41:56 There you go. There you go. Right. 41:59 So you bought her a drink. What does she drink? 42:02 I don't know. 42:04 And the reason I don't know is because I said, take one for yourself. 42:09 Yeah. 42:10 So she just charged it to me. Oh, no. That's wrong. 42:16 Yeah. Well, I don't know. I don't know what you drank. I just said, you know, take one for yourself. Right. 42:22 But she didn't. She took the money. 42:25 Yes. 42:26 Okay, see, I worked in a pub for ages, and people were always saying, and one for yourself. And then they were aggrieved when I just pocketed the money and didn't actually take a drink. 42:41 No, I didn't mind that. No, I didn't mind that. Oh, okay then. 42:45 No, I didn't mind that at all, because she sat for a while talking, and I found her to be a very agreeable... 42:56 a really nice, human, understanding person, because I had a problem at the time, to be quite honest. 43:05 When you were talking with her, did you... Did the phrase, fiercely independent, come to mind? 43:13 No, it did not. But what did come to mind was... Now, I have to say, and I really do have to say this, she did seem to be a very genuine... But then all barmaids are... 43:26 And when I say barmaid, I don't know the term. I was trying to think of the term. She's not the barmaid. What do you call the woman who runs the bar? The landlady. Landlady. That's it. That's it. That's it. I couldn't think of that because I'm Irish. We don't have landladies. 43:43 You don't? 43:44 So, no. No, we don't have that. Well, what do you have? That's not a... We don't... I don't know. We don't have that. What do you call them... 43:56 Landlords? No. 43:57 Right. 43:59 No, we don't have landlidies or anything like that. We just have barmates. 44:03 But who owns the pub, then, in your part of the world? What do you call the pub owner? 44:10 We never know. It's just... The pub owner's never behind the bar, very rarely. Right. But we don't have ladies or landlords. 44:19 Okay. 44:20 I've never heard that phrase in my life, except on Coronation Street or EastEnders or something like that. But anyway, Sue Gray was... She was a beam of light that night. A beam of light. 44:38 That sounds super... 44:40 The thing, and before I go, can I talk about wording? 44:45 Oh, that's it? That's all you're going to... That's it? So you border... If you want me to talk more about Sue Gray, I will, but... Did the word robust come to mind when you were chit-chatting with her? 44:59 No. No. I had to check that. I had to check that. She was a lady. I don't know what all this political stuff is about and all the rest of it, but All I know is I was going to Dublin one night. When I did a problem, you're right. 45:14 Yeah. 45:15 I was struck. By the her. 45:17 By her her. 45:18 She must have spent a fortune. 45:21 Whose her? 45:21 A fortune. A fortune on that her. It was her that you have never seen in your life. Right. 45:31 Only the crumbliest, flakiest... Oh, no, that's the wrong advert. Flies like a bird in the skirt. No, that's the wrong advert as well. 45:40 Well, when she shook that her... Mm-hmm. I was mesmerised and it made me stay for two pence instead of one and then I said it was like Cameron Diaz take your god damn hair so she drew you in with her hair and you paid twice as much as you ordinarily would have done because of her hair and said take one for yourself so that she would still continue to talk to me 46:13 I get it. And she did. Okay. 46:14 And she did. To her credit. So that's it. So can I move on to one sentence? 46:19 Very briefly. Absolutely. 46:21 Okay. Okay. 46:22 You said today's one got you a bit. Yeah. I only just got in under the wire. It was on my sixth guess. 46:30 Yeah. I have a friend who's brilliant at it as well. And she said that she just about got it on the sixth. And then I got it on the fourth. And we all perked up. 46:43 And that was it. Just shows you, you said you got the other previous two days in two or three. 46:50 No, two days in a row I got it on the second guess, which I have to admit was there's a big degree of luck there. 47:02 Yeah, big time. 47:04 Here's my question. 47:06 I was inordinately proud of that. Go on. 47:08 Can I ask you a question? 47:09 Yes. 47:11 What is your... 47:12 Opening word. 47:13 Opening word, yeah. I start with... I don't know whether people are supposed to say this or not. Is it like it's supposed to be a secret? 47:21 No, no. 47:23 It gets you nowhere. 47:25 But I start with... There's a five-letter word that has three vowels in it, and that's what I start with. Is that roast? 47:34 R-O-A-S-T. A-S-T. That's two vowels. 47:39 Oh, sorry. So what's your word? LAUGHTER It doesn't really matter what word it is, but you want to start with a word that's got three vowels in it. Yeah, but I'm asking you specifically. Okay, then. Cause. 47:54 C-A-U-S-E. Ah, I'll tell you mine then, just even though you didn't ask. Mine's is notes. N-O-T-E-S. Right. 48:06 That's a very bad word to start with. 48:08 Okay. So, did you like my Sue Gray story? 48:11 No. 48:12 But thanks for asking. Okay. 48:15 Appreciate it. Thank you. See, very, very polite. 48:19 I can't tell you whether I like the Sue Gray story until Sue Gray releases her report. 48:27 And that is my robust response. 48:30 I've made that absolutely clear. 48:32 And that's it. If you subscribe to this podcast, the next episodes will get squirted up your life as though by magic on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And Tuesdays and Thursdays are also the days that the podcast that I do with Carol McGiffin comes out. It's called What's Your Problem with Nick and Carol, in which the delightful Carol McGiffin and I try to solve people's problems while laughing like seals. If you have a problem, conundrum, issue, something like that, then simply send it to the following address. 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